Follow Me Home
by EleanorKate
Summary: A follow up to a previous story - Heartbeat. Chummy is home, well at Nonnatus, with Freddie. Set just after the christening and she and Peter need to talk. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

"Chummy! What are you doing down here?!" Cynthia exclaimed seeing the blue dressing gown clad figure appear at the doorway from her seat at the head of the kitchen table; arms wrapped tightly around her middle feeling the cold more than ever.

It was almost midnight and the three nurses had decided to play cards whilst they waited for another call. The fourth, they thought, was well and truly asleep upstairs with her husband and newborn son.

"Needed to stretch these aging old legs" Chummy replied carefully walking into the kitchen. The floor was chilly under her bare feet but she couldn't lean down properly to put her slippers on; the pain was too much and even though she had tried, it had almost brought tears to her eyes just even trying to kick them out from where they were tucked under the foot of the bed. Still, she only intended to go downstairs for five minutes and she wasn't going to wake Peter just for that. The girls noticed immediately how quiet her voice was and how tentatively she was walking.

"Well I think you've stretched them far enough!" Trixie remarked firmly, pulling out the chair next to her and fixing her friend with a stern, determined, look. "Sit down here! Now!"

Chummy smiled quietly and sat, hand plastered to her abdomen to support the wound that still marred her; not wanting to notice the concerned faces in front of her or get into a friendly argument with anyone tonight even though she knew underneath every single one of them had her best interests in mind. "Thank you", she whispered. The walk downstairs had been far more of an effort that she thought and she felt rather faint and to be frank, a little out of breath. Perhaps Peter has been right to insist he walked with her everywhere at any moment he could and if he couldn't, someone else did. Whilst she might have resisted at first she was pleased underneath it all that the Inspector had given him a few weeks leave and he had been the most darling help to her. She was too tired to resist his fussing over her.

"Are you joining in?" Jenny asked, just about to deal a new hand of cards. Chummy had arrived at precisely the right moment and Jenny wanted desperately to engage her back with them. They had all felt the chasm that seemed to form between her collapse and her return home, a new mother and were all hankering for life to return to normality. The christening was three days ago but the anxiety around their shoulders was still there and Nonnatus still felt as though there were broken bridges at every turn.

"No, it's fine old girl. Baby will want me soon enough and I only came down for a drink of water" she responded as Jenny began to deal to the other three, nodding in acceptance.

"Well I'll get it" Cynthia replied, pushing herself away from the table. "You should have called down" she concluded, seeing Chummy just dip her head in acknowledgement and very obviously shift in her seat in pain. She had dark circles under her eyes that each and every nurse felt were more than just caused by that little chap upstairs.

"Have you taken any of that morphine Dr Turner gave you?" Jenny asked. She herself had collected it from the surgery just yesterday morning at the insistence of the doctor when she had only been discharged with pills that he knew would not touch her one bit.

"No…" Chummy responded, knowing she probably should have done as this pain was simply appalling, but she still refused. "It makes me sleep and it's even worse with Freddie. One doesn't like him so docile" she concluded carefully. It unnerved her enough already, knowing what she knew about how he came into the world. Silent thoughts were plaguing her that every twitch was a fit; wondering if he was being fussy or crying for too long, or if he cried when he was sleeping on his back or if he wasn't eating properly. They were signs too and how she wished she was as oblivious as Peter was to the things they may have to face if her worst fears came true. Or at least as oblivious as he made out to her...

"Then let him have a bottle once in a while and take some" Trixie ordered firmly, taking up her hand of cards. "You know it's only in your body for a few hours at best. He can have one bottle and _you_ can have a rest".

"No" Chummy protested. "One hates feeling so …..sluggish and dozy. One can't sleep properly as it is". How many hours she had been awake listening to Freddie breath, watching him as he stretched and those little whimpers that meant he was hungry.

"Well, what does Peter say?" Cynthia asked, putting a glass full of water down in front of her friend before retreating back to the head of the table.

Chummy swallowed, feeling her heart drop. "One doesn't know".

"I don't follow", Cynthia replied, glancing quickly at the two other girls who clearly shared her concern at this sudden turn.

"He hasn't said anything" Chummy confessed, forehead creasing into a frown. She had a headache brewing too; hoping it was just dehydration. Perhaps she might take spot of that Morphine after all; just a half dose to tide her over once she had fed him. "One doesn't believe one is in favour".

"How did you work that one out?" Trixie laughed. It was half shock to cause her to react so and she put her cards down, not caring the others could see the rather encouraging hand she had.

Chummy looked up and shook her head, suddenly so vastly ashamed of herself that those words of betrayal towards her husband could fall from her lips; even in front of these people she called her true friends.

"Come on" Trixie encouraged, reaching across the table to take Chummy's hand realising she had been wrong to laugh. "How did you work out you aren't in favour? How can you be _out_ of favour with that divine little fellow upstairs waiting for you?"

Still she hesitated. "We're here to help" Cynthia said softly, laying her cards down for all the world to see too. "Anything we can do to help you know we will".

"Come on Chummy…" Jenny continued. "You always tell us its better out than in. Take your own advice".

She took a deep breath and straightened her shoulders, feeling the pull in her abdomen. Chummy really didn't know where to start; save that she knew she had to somehow and somewhere. "He just…." she began, feeling shy and pathetic, swallowing the words that were about to fall. "He won't go near me". The words tumbled from her and she forced tears away, although she could see three confused faces at her declaration. "He won't hug me or even touch my hand...except when he's helping me out of bed or steadying me to go the bathroom; then he does…but ..."

Trixie shot a look at the other two nurses; knowing she had the other girls permission to say what she was going reveal. "Chummy...When you were in Hospital many a night we would come down here and find him sitting in the parlour or out on the back steps. In the middle of the night, just sitting down here on his own". She glanced at the other two again and received two discrete nods in return. "He looked so lost without you".

"Really?" Chummy choked in response. He'd been so stoic; organising her and Freddie's return home, running to see the vicar for the christening and always _being there._ He'd not a said a word to her.

"We tried to get him to talk about you and Freddie but he wouldn't", Jenny continued. "All three of us tried. The Sisters too….All he'd say was that he wanted you two back here as quick as he could so he knew where you were".

"He knew where we were" Chummy whispered, scared now of what was running through his mind underneath the facade he had cleared put up for her.

"Even Sister Evangelina tried and you know she can frighten any man into submission" Jenny added. "Particularly _him_ ".

Chummy nodded carefully not feeling the energy to laugh at her friend's joke.

"Go and speak to him" Cynthia whispered. "Ask him".

She saw her friend shake her head. "One doesn't know how to". She could talk to him about anything; learned that this past two years but was this a bridge too far? She had no memory of it all; he clearly did and it may just be all together far too horrific to articulate.

"He promised things about sickness and health" Trixie stated. She'd seen the darkness on his face too many times to know that this could no longer be left to fester. "Please talk to him". Chummy felt her hand being squeezed earnestly.

"Even if it's only to let him know you _are_ still here…..Talk to him..."


	2. Chapter 2

As soon as Chummy put her hand on the bedroom door to open it up she could hear the baby grumbling in the darkness of their room. Not loudly and he certainly wasn't crying so she wondered if perhaps she could catch him before he decided to exercise his lungs and wake Peter up. As much as the girl's words downstairs had hit home, she was not sure whether she had the strength or courage to broach the subject quite yet and might do all she could not to disturb him this second.

She put her glass down on her bedside table; half of it had gone during the walk up the stairs and with care leant over the side of the Moses basket stationed against the far wall.

"Hello handsome" Chummy said, her voice lower than a whisper as Freddie wriggled in her arms. "Someone seems to be thinking of their little tum, aren't you?" She smiled as he nuzzled closer to her; the whimpering threatening to turn into a cry before she slipped her little finger into his mouth. "Now you give Mumma two minutes to get settled and…." She was about to carry on when she saw Peter move to lay on his back and his eyes open.

Chummy started hobbling back to bed before he had the chance to say a word.

"Go back to sleep Peter, we're fine" she said quietly as with gritted teeth, trying not to show it, she lifted her legs onto the bed. "You've got your meeting tomorrow".

He nodded, resisting suggesting he took hold of Freddie so she could get comfortable without having to balance him and worry about everything else at the same time.

Chummy watched him close his eyes for a moment; knowing internally he would stay awake as much as he could so he could put Freddie back down once he had been fed. She wanted to be up and able to bounce out of bed to him; to have him lying on her chest without having to check his feet were nowhere near the wound but that would have to wait.

Ever so carefully she got both baby and her set and let Freddie feed. Her eyes were closing themselves and Nonnatus was utterly silent. Her abdomen, however, was throbbing as an ever present reminder to her that she might just have exerted herself too much with the walk downstairs. "One might …" she began, knowing Peter would still be awake whatever she said. The bullet had to be bitten and whilst they were alone, it may as well be now before it manifested and twisted inside her any more. There was enough physical pain to deal with, never mind that of the emotional kind. "I might take a spot of that morphine once he's back down".

Peter opened his eyes. "You know you should. You should have woken me up to when you went downstairs too. I'd have got whatever you wanted".

"I know you would" she replied, "but you're not my skivvy and I need to do things…"

"Carefully you need to do things" Peter responded, sitting up properly now. He hadn't told her about the conversation he'd had with Dr Turner after he had offered to drive them home from Hospital and Sister Julienne had whisked his wife and son up to their room. The list of 'don't let her do…' was longer than his arm. Everyone was helping, but she was his responsibility once that door was closed and he didn't want to see her back in Hospital.

Running around after her only went partly to assuaging the guilt that was still gnawing at his middle. Her discharging herself only served to make that responsibility even deeper.

Chummy hesitated for a moment, looking down at Freddie who was watching her with those delightful blue eyes of his. "I do need your help; I do want your help". It was pointless pretending otherwise as her exhausted bones were telling her. "I am grateful that you even want to".

"I am happy to help Camilla", Peter responded. He genuinely was, putting aside all of those feelings that he should have been able to make things better. It had spun around in his mind all the time he was pacing that wretched corridor; that deathly, deadly emptiness in the pit of his stomach that with the thud of the operating room door it might just have been the last time. He didn't want his last memory to be that crash, or the whiteness of her face or how cold her hand felt as she slipped away from him.

"But I also want you to hold me if you want to. If _I_ want to for that…" she added as an afterthought. She didn't feel suffocated – not really – but every time she moved, he was there with a hand or an offer of help. Just once could that squeeze of her hand be affection rather than support to make sure she got to the bathroom in one piece? She was the nurse after all and, as she was finding out, not a very good patient.

He sat up properly and turned to face her, careful not to pull the bedclothes. He made a quick huffing noise, summoning up the courage. "I love you".

"I know" she replied quietly as he reached across and ran the pad of a finger over the crown of their son's head. For a moment she had wondered if he still felt the same about her; whether he wanted her any more now he had his son.

"You're like…both of you...you're the most precious things I've ever had and will ever have. I don't like thinking I might not have that anymore". He was carefully brushing Freddie's blond locks with his thumb, frowning deeply and listening to him snuffle as he fed. All those little cries and noises meant he was there. Peter needed the reminder. "And because it's my fault and I have to make it better".

She was confused. "What's your fault?"

"What happened when he was born" Peter responded. Even though he didn't want to tell her, the words just fell.

"You can't control nature, Peter" she replied softly not wishing to dismiss what was clearly hurting him so.

"I could if I never touched you". That was what was biting him. As much as he adored their son, if she had never been pregnant, he might never have lost them both.

She raised her eyebrows; not expecting that. "I had some say in it you know" she responded with a brief laugh in her voice.

That said though, suddenly, Chummy realised something and the pieces all fell into place. If he didn't hold her hand, didn't kiss her, it couldn't lead to The Other any more. Not that The Other would even be on the menu this side of New Year it still didn't mean he couldn't hold her hand or give her a kiss. He'd shown enough of his patient side before they were engaged. "I know you think you have to look after me and believe me, no-one ever did until you and I am so, so grateful for that but please _please_ don't think you could have stopped it. No-one could."

She gently raised his chin with her fingertips. "You've not failed me, nor Freddie. You have nothing to make up to me".

He was still scowling. She'd nearly slipped from his hands once. Perhaps that was why now he felt he had to hang on so tight. Make sure she didn't hurt herself any more. Make sure that he protected her so much that she would never get the chance.

"Peter…. budge forward" she said.

"What?"

"Budge forward" she repeated. "I can't reach you".

He shifted forward, putting his hand on the other side of the bed over her legs as he felt her hand slip up his cheek. It wasn't the most passionate of kisses he had ever given her – she could feel how tense he was – but it was enough.

"See?" she questioned, actually feeling her cheeks flush. "I've not fallen to bits…Nothing's dropped off..." Peter ducked his head. "I don't blame you, so don't blame yourself. It was just the way it was. You've been so much help to me; all the help I've needed". She knew she was lucky. She could have had a husband that didn't life a finger and let her be in pain and suffer in her exhaustion. "In time" Chummy began, "I want his brother or sister. So I expect you to do your husbandly duty without question…."

Peter laughed for the first time in almost three weeks. He nodded quickly. "You have to promise me one thing though" he asked.

"Go on".

"Let me help you still. I know you won't break but…just let me when you really need it". He knew it was selfish but it was the only way that he would end up convincing himself that she was safe.

When she nodded and smiled he had his answer. They would work this out together.


End file.
